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The Date Maven

Taking the Sting Out of Rejection and Putting Yourself at the Center of Love

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By Suzanna Mathews, The Date Maven

[Also published at 360Wichita.com]

Everyone wants love. No one wants rejection.

This is fact. It is basic to human nature.

Ben Franklin said, “If you would be loved, love and be lovable.” That sounds cute. Seems sensible.

But have you ever put yourself out there, served up a big ‘ol whopping, “Here I am, I’m awesome, come and play with me!” and were met with, “No thanks. I’ll pass.”

I have.

Ouchie mama!

What do you do with that kind of rejection?

You keep loving yourself, that’s what. And you find a tribe, like I did.

I found the Hive, a co-working space in downtown Wichita run by “queen bee” Andrea Stang. You’ve never met a more enthusiastic supporter of female entrepreneurs!

I’ve been welcomed by like-minded solopreneurs and small business owners there, and have been made to feel like one of the girl gang. The good news is, while the vibe is progressively feminine, men are welcome too.

Finding my squad was the first step. The next was creating my own recovery process. I had learned in coaching circles to Make a glory board, serve yourself a love feast, indulge and luxuriate! This is frilly-dilly, fancy-schmancy talk for: do anything that feeds the true you – whether it’s emotional, intellectual, physical, or spiritual. In other words, Love yourself!  You DO deserve it.

Spoil yourself. It may sound a little girlie, but the truth is that men need to practice self-care, self-compassion, and self-love too.

The third step was outreach. Getting out of my own navel-gazing and heart-tending. Show affection to someone. Give gratitude or pay a compliment. Wish someone well. Cheer them up. Give them a high five, fist-bump, atta-boy or atta-girl, pat on the back, etc. Lifting others up inherently lifts you up.

When you show love to others you show love to yourself. When you show love to yourself, you fill your tank so you have fuel to show love to others.

So, keep expressing love. Keep giving and getting. Continue to act on the love you generate and the love you feel.

Reciprocity is the core energy of love. For me (and for a lot of other female entrepreneurial types and creative types I know), it’s about finding the tribe who doesn’t just value you for your financial contribution or social connection or who solicited false flattery from me, but rather who wanted me to be (allowed me to be!) my gloriously complex, convoluted, vulnerable self.

I experienced some personal pain the last few years. Some difficult decisions were made.

Sometimes I showed up with lipgloss, eyelashes, and high heels on and some sass in my step.

And sometimes I showed up looking like death eating a cracker — the poster child for failed poets and exiled queens.

EVERY time, my inner circle sisters loved me, cheered me, and supported me.

My beautiful tribe not only had my back, they insisted I continue to live outwardly, live lovingly, and gave me a safe spot for release. They made room for my complications. They made space for my crazy.

Who’s in your tribe? Who helps you recover from rejection? In whom do you seek solace when life pushes you down and rubs dirt in your face? Find them. Find them now. And if you already have them, thank them. Thank them now.

We all need a little help from time to time. There’s nothing wrong with asking for – and accepting — support. 

If you’re a single lady or gentleman who is looking for love and lasting connection, let me be your tribe!  I can work with you to bolster your support mechanisms, teach you more about self love, and show you how outreach can lead to better results in your dating life.  I’m an experienced, professional dating coach, matchmaker, author, and speaker, and I’d love to hear from you tell me how it’s going and how you handle those inevitable rejections. You can reach me at suzanna@thedatemaven.com.

Do You Suffer from Any of These Misnomers and Misunderstandings About Dating?

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Misnomers and Misunderstandings. I come across a lot of them as I talk to people who are navigating the world of dating and social connection. Here are a few stand-outs — and I’ll add more as I come across them and debunk the MM’s as we go:

Misnomer/misunderstanding: I like my privacy. Since I didn’t tell my dating app to be aware of my location, it shouldn’t know where I am.

Truth: Many dating apps follow your location. This is not uncommon. Many people don’t realize it, though it’s usually disclosed in the Terms of Service you say you read.  For not-creepy, pre-vetted matches, your best (and only) choice is to work with a professional matchmaker.

Misnomer/misunderstanding: Since machines and technology are fast, people should be fast too.

Truth: In the age of meal delivery services, high-speed internet, and the quick cleanse, it’s incredibly  common for people to want to “microwave” their love life. Press a button, get a boyfriend (or girlfriend). That doesn’t work. I mean, it works to get a play partner. (No judgment) But it doesn’t work to get a meaningful relationship.

When it comes to things, you can be efficient. You can click it and get it. When it comes to people  — when it comes to building communication, trust, and rapport — there are few short cuts. No fast pass. It takes time. (Though there are a few efficiency hacks — I teach those.)

Ironically — if you’re living in a social desert playing a dehydrated dating game — the search for a quick fix to your situation only delays the process you will eventually need to go through. When it comes to finding someone wonderful, slower is actually faster (i.e., more efficient, fewer pitfalls) and fast is slow (lots of mess and fuss).

The reason my clients work with me for 12 weeks or more is so we can go slow. We develop your confidence, build your personal brand, create your social strategy, perfect your online presence, expand your personal network and bring you to a place where you are living a rich and interesting life… one. step. at. a. time… That’s mega-attractive.

I know you have questions. “How should I…? Where do I…? How come he…? When will she…?” You have valid and reasonable questions. But give those questions (and yourself, the person asking them) the respect they deserve. Give yourself the time and support resources it takes to formulate meaningful answers. Don’t waste your time looking for a get-love-quick fix.

My path is what you might call the comparatively “slow” road to happy, healthy dating and relationships… but this road is going somewhere quite lovely.

Online Dating: Don’t Be Greedy!

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Turn on the TV during the month of January and you will undoubtedly encounter a commercial touting the success rates and marriage statistics of a major online dating site. January is indeed the most abundant month in the online dating game.

And if you take the number of married couples who met online and compared it to the total number of married couples in the general population, you might get a reasonably good metric of success! But are those successes the result of brilliantly engaging site design and awesome algorithms or are they the result of access to more and bigger markets?

What if you take the number of singles who tried dating online and compared it to the number who met a relationship partner online — the number of “attempts” compared to the number of “wins?” That might paint a fairer picture.

Still, it can’t hurt to try.  Read More

The Upside of Being Played

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I‘m glad it’s a girl. And I hope she’ll be a fool – that’s the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.

Daisy Buchanan pretends that she’s happy she’s having a girl, but she knows that girls of any class are the losers in her world – the world that The Great Gatsby was set in (the 1920s). Read More

Amplify Love

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We Shall Amplify Love 

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If you’ve been reading Musings of the Maven for a while, you know that all my blog posts and  are original content. However, once in a while, I come across someone else’s work that is so awesome it must be shared. That’s what I’m doing today by reprinting (almost verbatim) an excerpt from motivational expert and personal development trainer Brendan Burchard. I hope you like it as much as I do!

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The (Dating) Grade

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Making The (Dating) Grade

Have you heard about the dating app called “The Grade?” With kids just out of school for the summer (and report cards soon to be sent), I wanted to alert you to the existence of this app that let’s you “grade and be graded!”
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