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The Date Maven

Myths About Matchmaking — Debunked

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If trying to meet men or women feels like a second job, hiring a matchmaker is a sound choice because a matchmaker undertakes the task for you. This frees up your time, you avoid awkward situations, and you remain comfortably ensconced in your real work and daily routines.

But for various reasons, misunderstandings abound about what matchmakers do and how we do it. There’s no reason to treat someone whose life mission is to help people experience more love like a pariah! Here are 5 myths about matchmaking… and the real truth. 
 
Myth #1. You shouldn’t need to use a matchmaker.

Some people are unskilled at romance, some are capable but just super busy. You should never feel bad and think “I shouldn’t have to resort to using a matchmaker.” The fact is, many elevated and educated individuals use matchmakers every day.  A professional matchmaker is trained to sort through the chaff and find you the kernel of golden wheat that you desire!  Also, no matter becomes of the connections you make with the people you meet through us, the benefits of having your matchmaker coach you on your dating game never expires. The lessons learned during your matchmaking experience will stay with you and benefit you in all of your relationships going forward.

Myth #2. It can be crazy expensive.

Top matchmakers in large metropolitan areas do typically have higher fees. One serious matchmaking firm in New York city commands $50,000-$500,000 for a 1 year agreement and another quality matchmaker charges $15,000 for 6 months — plus a $5,000 success fee if you enter a relationship that lasts more than 6 months. 

Our “midwest-based” fees begin at $5,500, and we know we’re worth it because we only take on people we’re confident we can be successful with. We work hard for our clients, and we introduce you to multiple compatible matches in a relatively condensed period of time. We set a minimum standard for ourselves of providing at least one eligible date per month. We rely not only on our large network in the region but on the networks of our peers across the country (and even the world), expanding your dating pool and enhancing your options. That leads to . . .

Myth #3. You don’t learn anything. 

When you team up with us as your matchmakers, you’ll be going on qualified dates each month, with people we personally vet. Our goal isn’t just to find someone “nice” but to find candidates you could potentially see yourself marrying. Along the way, we teach and coach about how to better understand and enjoy social interactions, gender communication differences, flirting, personal image, personal values and lifestyle preferences, and more. With every date, you learn something — not just about the other person but about yourself and about the art and science of courtship.  

You are not only a more savvy dater than you were prior to your introductions, but a more savvy relationship partner. 

Not all matchmakers offer dating advice, so that’s a fair question to ask if you’re evaluating options amongst matchmakers. We do, so we know we’re providing a higher value experience to our clients compared to the matchmakers who don’t. If the matchmaker’s sole purpose is to match you with people from their network that they think you’d be compatible with, you deserve to know that up front. We go the extra mile and give you added value by teaching you how to navigate online dating, build a connection — even how and when to have “the relationship talk.” 

Myth #4. We have limited options.

Some people are spreading the rumor that matchmakers will only ever set you up with someone within our own immediate network. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. We are essentially executive recruiters with big hearts and a wide reach. We source individuals for our matchmaking clients at cafes, in bars, in churches, book clubs, professional development groups, on social media, at concerts, through friends, at charity events, and more. We have access to thousands of single men and women, from sea to shining sea! There is no cap on our dating pool. 

Myth #5. Your matches will be undesirable. 

We get it, you’re worried you won’t get good matches! However, it’s safe to assume that most people enrolling in matchmaking services are professional, career-oriented individuals. We carefully screen both men and women for you to ensure that they are in it for the right reasons. Questionnaires, multiple interviews, deep-dive questions and personality inventories — all are tools at our disposal. Our job isn’t to just put a body in front of you; our job is to put the right somebody in front of you. We weed out anyone with a criminal record and/or other major red flags. We provide security. 

Myth #6. Matchmakers don’t really care.

This one is just sad to imagine — that there are people who might have this perception. The truth is: We love to see people meet and marry; we love to have a hand in helping people enrich their lives. That’s what incentivizes us to work for you. Our “year end bonus” is the hugs and the thanks we get from satisfied clients who are living their best lives. It may sound cheesy, but it’s not like we get a kickback for every baby born or every anniversary our couples make. There’s intrinsic joy and satisfaction in helping others find love. We get the satisfaction of knowing we played a role in their love story! 

If you’re going to make the self-investment of retaining a matchmaker, there are some things you can do to ensure you’re picking a good one. 

1. For every matchmaker you consider, Google their name along with the keyword “lawsuits.” If you Google that term along with The Date Maven, you’ll find there have been no legal actions against or negative reviews our company . 

2. Ask about the matchmaking process. We are ready to explain it to you. The process should seem clear and efficient to you. We want you to have an accurate a picture of what your matchmaking experience will be like.

3. Maintain reasonable expectations. Know that connection is something that can becreated and chemistry isn’t always immediate — it can take time (especially the older we get). If you are expecting to be dazzled, you must BE someone who dazzles! And know that some of your dates won’t work out, but that’s OK, because you’re not looking for a harem, you’re looking for the ONE! 

4. Consider (and reconsider) your dealbreakers. 
During our first meeting, we’ll sit down and ask you about your “Must Have’s” and “Non-negotiables.” You’ll describe your ideal mate and we’ll help you distinguish between wants and needs so that your list gives meaningful guidance, but doesn’t result in someone being tossed out who’s worthy of consideration. 

5. Be Patient
You’re an adult, so you know not to expect a fairytale first date. But it’s important to also understand that the matchmaking process gets refined with each passing month, as we learn more and more about your personality, your personal preferences, and how you show up in the world. As we stated earlier, you’ll be building dating skills you didn’t even know some people had. Having those skills will enable you to date as many men or women you meet outside of your matchmaker as you’d like.

Let a professional matchmaking team (one that’s also a date coaching team) guide you through the dating scene. There is nothing contrived about using a matchmaker to gain the key to dating; it’s one of the oldest, most respected professions in many countries. You don’t have to give up the reigns to your dating life when you hire a matchmaker; it’s a partnership, not an outsourcing. While we’re busy beating the bushes for someone worthy of your company, we’ll also teach you how to use online dating, we’ll give text coaching, we’ll help you interpret and apply modern dating rules, and we’ll even teach you how to rebound after a bad date — plus we’ll provide feedback after every date. 

When you team up with us, you’ll have “Mars/Venus” coaching — a dual, male/female coaching perspective with advice from experienced professionals. We’ll always be glad to teach you how to catch fish on your own. But we also know where some super-stocked ponds are at that you aren’t likely aware of. Or you just may not know which bait to use in. 

We have a higher than average success rate. While we can’t promise exact outcomes for everyone, we’ve ushered most of our singles into a meaningful relationship in as little as 3 months time. 

How do you take a step forward to learn more about how this works and if it’s right for you? 

Book a 1-hour Dating Audit & Strategy Session today to learn how together, we can change your relationship status. During our session, we’ll discuss your dating and relationship history, talk about your blind spots, create a massive action plan, and see if our concierge-style matchmaking service is a fit for you!

Taking the Sting Out of Rejection and Putting Yourself at the Center of Love

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By Suzanna Mathews, The Date Maven

[Also published at 360Wichita.com]

Everyone wants love. No one wants rejection.

This is fact. It is basic to human nature.

Ben Franklin said, “If you would be loved, love and be lovable.” That sounds cute. Seems sensible.

But have you ever put yourself out there, served up a big ‘ol whopping, “Here I am, I’m awesome, come and play with me!” and were met with, “No thanks. I’ll pass.”

I have.

Ouchie mama!

What do you do with that kind of rejection?

You keep loving yourself, that’s what. And you find a tribe, like I did.

I found the Hive, a co-working space in downtown Wichita run by “queen bee” Andrea Stang. You’ve never met a more enthusiastic supporter of female entrepreneurs!

I’ve been welcomed by like-minded solopreneurs and small business owners there, and have been made to feel like one of the girl gang. The good news is, while the vibe is progressively feminine, men are welcome too.

Finding my squad was the first step. The next was creating my own recovery process. I had learned in coaching circles to Make a glory board, serve yourself a love feast, indulge and luxuriate! This is frilly-dilly, fancy-schmancy talk for: do anything that feeds the true you – whether it’s emotional, intellectual, physical, or spiritual. In other words, Love yourself!  You DO deserve it.

Spoil yourself. It may sound a little girlie, but the truth is that men need to practice self-care, self-compassion, and self-love too.

The third step was outreach. Getting out of my own navel-gazing and heart-tending. Show affection to someone. Give gratitude or pay a compliment. Wish someone well. Cheer them up. Give them a high five, fist-bump, atta-boy or atta-girl, pat on the back, etc. Lifting others up inherently lifts you up.

When you show love to others you show love to yourself. When you show love to yourself, you fill your tank so you have fuel to show love to others.

So, keep expressing love. Keep giving and getting. Continue to act on the love you generate and the love you feel.

Reciprocity is the core energy of love. For me (and for a lot of other female entrepreneurial types and creative types I know), it’s about finding the tribe who doesn’t just value you for your financial contribution or social connection or who solicited false flattery from me, but rather who wanted me to be (allowed me to be!) my gloriously complex, convoluted, vulnerable self.

I experienced some personal pain the last few years. Some difficult decisions were made.

Sometimes I showed up with lipgloss, eyelashes, and high heels on and some sass in my step.

And sometimes I showed up looking like death eating a cracker — the poster child for failed poets and exiled queens.

EVERY time, my inner circle sisters loved me, cheered me, and supported me.

My beautiful tribe not only had my back, they insisted I continue to live outwardly, live lovingly, and gave me a safe spot for release. They made room for my complications. They made space for my crazy.

Who’s in your tribe? Who helps you recover from rejection? In whom do you seek solace when life pushes you down and rubs dirt in your face? Find them. Find them now. And if you already have them, thank them. Thank them now.

We all need a little help from time to time. There’s nothing wrong with asking for – and accepting — support. 

If you’re a single lady or gentleman who is looking for love and lasting connection, let me be your tribe!  I can work with you to bolster your support mechanisms, teach you more about self love, and show you how outreach can lead to better results in your dating life.  I’m an experienced, professional dating coach, matchmaker, author, and speaker, and I’d love to hear from you tell me how it’s going and how you handle those inevitable rejections. You can reach me at suzanna@thedatemaven.com.

Do You Suffer from Any of These Misnomers and Misunderstandings About Dating?

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Misnomers and Misunderstandings. I come across a lot of them as I talk to people who are navigating the world of dating and social connection. Here are a few stand-outs — and I’ll add more as I come across them and debunk the MM’s as we go:

Misnomer/misunderstanding: I like my privacy. Since I didn’t tell my dating app to be aware of my location, it shouldn’t know where I am.

Truth: Many dating apps follow your location. This is not uncommon. Many people don’t realize it, though it’s usually disclosed in the Terms of Service you say you read.  For not-creepy, pre-vetted matches, your best (and only) choice is to work with a professional matchmaker.

Misnomer/misunderstanding: Since machines and technology are fast, people should be fast too.

Truth: In the age of meal delivery services, high-speed internet, and the quick cleanse, it’s incredibly  common for people to want to “microwave” their love life. Press a button, get a boyfriend (or girlfriend). That doesn’t work. I mean, it works to get a play partner. (No judgment) But it doesn’t work to get a meaningful relationship.

When it comes to things, you can be efficient. You can click it and get it. When it comes to people  — when it comes to building communication, trust, and rapport — there are few short cuts. No fast pass. It takes time. (Though there are a few efficiency hacks — I teach those.)

Ironically — if you’re living in a social desert playing a dehydrated dating game — the search for a quick fix to your situation only delays the process you will eventually need to go through. When it comes to finding someone wonderful, slower is actually faster (i.e., more efficient, fewer pitfalls) and fast is slow (lots of mess and fuss).

The reason my clients work with me for 12 weeks or more is so we can go slow. We develop your confidence, build your personal brand, create your social strategy, perfect your online presence, expand your personal network and bring you to a place where you are living a rich and interesting life… one. step. at. a. time… That’s mega-attractive.

I know you have questions. “How should I…? Where do I…? How come he…? When will she…?” You have valid and reasonable questions. But give those questions (and yourself, the person asking them) the respect they deserve. Give yourself the time and support resources it takes to formulate meaningful answers. Don’t waste your time looking for a get-love-quick fix.

My path is what you might call the comparatively “slow” road to happy, healthy dating and relationships… but this road is going somewhere quite lovely.

Online Dating: Don’t Be Greedy!

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Turn on the TV during the month of January and you will undoubtedly encounter a commercial touting the success rates and marriage statistics of a major online dating site. January is indeed the most abundant month in the online dating game.

And if you take the number of married couples who met online and compared it to the total number of married couples in the general population, you might get a reasonably good metric of success! But are those successes the result of brilliantly engaging site design and awesome algorithms or are they the result of access to more and bigger markets?

What if you take the number of singles who tried dating online and compared it to the number who met a relationship partner online — the number of “attempts” compared to the number of “wins?” That might paint a fairer picture.

Still, it can’t hurt to try.  Read More

The Upside of Being Played

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I‘m glad it’s a girl. And I hope she’ll be a fool – that’s the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.

Daisy Buchanan pretends that she’s happy she’s having a girl, but she knows that girls of any class are the losers in her world – the world that The Great Gatsby was set in (the 1920s). Read More

Amplify Love

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We Shall Amplify Love 

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If you’ve been reading Musings of the Maven for a while, you know that all my blog posts and  are original content. However, once in a while, I come across someone else’s work that is so awesome it must be shared. That’s what I’m doing today by reprinting (almost verbatim) an excerpt from motivational expert and personal development trainer Brendan Burchard. I hope you like it as much as I do!

Read More